This Appointment

I don’t usually write about being disappointed. I like to write about happy things like clouds made of puppies, bouquets of sunshine raindrops and frothy latte mustaches.

But, even the happiest of haps gets disappointed now and then.

I’m not what you call a ‘dater.’ To me, dating resembles walking on stilts while juggling bowling pins. Sure, it can be entertaining, but it’s mostly scary, exhausting and awkward. With that being said, a few months ago, I took a deep breath and dove into the dating pool with a guy whose Southern fried voice could make anyone weak in the knees when he called them, ‘darlin.’

The beginning was nothing like juggling or stilt walking. It was sweet, exhilarating and almost, dare I say, comfortable. But somewhere in month three, the time between our face-to-faces seemed fewer and farther. The jolts of excited techno love via texts and emails slowed to a simmer and the rush to meet wherever and whenever felt more like a shoulder shrug.

It just sort of fizzled out.

So, in effort to find answers to the whos, whats and whys, I did what I do best. I obsessed. I combed over every email and text. I listened to every sweet tea voice mail I had saved. I replayed the videos of my mind’s VHS tapes. All in the hopes of finding the golden ticket. That one missing piece of my puzzle pie that would make me say, “Ohhh! NOW I get it!” Well, I didn’t find IT, but, I did find something. One word kept creeping its crawlers into my ear.

That word was…EXPECTATION.

I had expectations for all of the shoulda, woulda and couldas.

I do this to God sometimes.

God never promised me mounds of money, a swanky career, a car that would never stutter or a man to hopscotch into the sunset with. And even though I want all of those things, I have to remember that my expectations of God should never, ever overstep or overshadow His ACTUAL promises to me.

Recently, I dreamed that I walked into a room filled with balloons. They all had strings attached and layered the ceiling. In this dream, I understood the balloons represented answers to the questions I had about this relationship. I looked up at them and said, “It could be any of these.” Then I gathered them all by their strings, floated out an open window and up into the sky.

Unfounded expectations are like balloons. They look pretty, they may take you somewhere, but they’re mostly just full of hot air.

Have you found yourself disappointed by relationships? By God?

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2 Comments

  1. wow…good one. I am ALWAYS disappointed by relationships because the one thing I have learned about humans is that they will ALWAYS disappoint you eventually!
    By God…sure. We always think we have a better idea but when that doesn’t happen then we are disappointed. We just need to keep telling ourselves that He really does want the best for us and just give it up and TRUST. Oh…so hard!

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