This is post 1 of 5 in my series called, MySpace is YourSpace.
Awhile back, I wrote a post asking for reader’s gritty responses to 5 deeply personal questions. I created an email address that folks could log into, answer the specific questions and email those answers to that same email address. That way, I was able to create an anonymous space for open, honest answers.
The first question I asked was:
“What worries, thoughts, anxieties keep you up at night?”
Below are the 4 anonymous, unedited responses I received. The 5th one is my own. I’m the long-winded one.
Age Range: 30-33
“I often think about my purpose and if I’m going about it the right way. Am I wrong for not wanting a normal 9-5 type job? Am I a good husband? am I doing what I’m supposed to be doing or did I screw it up and this is as far as I’m going to go.”
Age Range: 26-29
Relationship:in a relationship
“My future, my kids future. money. love- rather my lack of belief in real love. that every man is a cheater. a lot of anger and evil thoughts in my head as i try to sleep.”
Age Range: 34-37
“Sometimes I wonder if I’ve got it all wrong and am destined for everything I have built to bring me only punishment, unfulfillment, and loneliness.”
Age Range: 30-33
“I worry about money all the time. This is crazy because I have a well paying job with exceptional security. I can totally afford my lifestyle and I live well. I am pretty sure this insecurity came from my parents, specifically my father. He grew up dirt poor. His father drank their money away. My father went without food and proper clothing as a little boy. He instilled living in financial fear as a standard and my mother never corrected his stance. This is about the only thing my parents did that I truly wish I could undo.”
RESPONSE #5 – ME:
Age Range: 34-37
“I think a lot about dating and marriage. Some days, I think how lucky I am that past relationships didn’t pan out because I would’ve been divorced at least 12 times by now if they had. I pray for my amazing husband-to-be every day. Not just an I’m-tired-of-being-single-and-I-want-to-be-spooned-and-I’m-tired-of-killing-bugs-myself-where-is-he-already!? type of prayer. But, I pray that he’ll have a good day, success in his career, understanding in his relationships and that he’d have kindness when he lets the old bag he’s currently dating down because he knows I’m waiting.
But then there are the lonely nights.
The nights I stare at my bedside table wishing there were photos of wedding dresses and sweet-cheeked baby poses. I wonder if I’ll be too old to have a baby or be able to adopt a left behind child like I’ve dreamed of since I was 16. I wonder if waiting for sex until marriage will be worth it or will it just make things more awkward when I graze 40. I worry that just as I utter, “I do.” I’ll be swept up in menopause and stricken with more arthritis pain than ever.
I think (read: obsess) about my up and down sizes, roller coaster measurements, Georgia road map legs and wrinkles that have already begun to forward their mail to my face and wonder if that’s why I’m single and throw my fist at shallow men around the world without realizing how shallow I am for throwing a blanket over them all.
I wonder if I’ll have the kind of husband who puts actions to his words, will love and adore me second to Jesus and want to change the world and do all of that while daily making me laugh until I pee a little and wheeze a lot.
Lastly, I worry if I’m really making a difference in anyone’s life. Am I just a hamster on a wheel with really good intentions or am I creating intentional moments and actions to better the life of another human? The world has enough hamsters. They smell and they bite. I do not want to be just a hamster.”
What about you? Do you have things that keep you up at night? Remember, you are not alone in this.