Why I’m Single: Part 1

I’m single. I know, a lot of people are single. Heck, YOU may even be single. But my question is….Why am I single?

When I ask my girlfriends, they say something like…

  • “Oh, giirrrrlll…it’s because you’re just TOO awesome!”
  • “You’re so beautiful & intimidating (read: big & tall) & guys don’t know what to do with you!”
  • “There’s no guy worthy of you!”
  • “God is preparing your man right now!”

20091015crockpotWell, if God is still preparing the future Mr. EmandaSays, He must have him in a giant Crock-Pot in the sky and keeping that baby on warm. Time to crank ‘er on up to high, God. Momma’s clock is ticking.

My girls mean well and they love me guts and skin, but after listening to their honeycomb words, I couldn’t help but think, that there was something they weren’t telling me. I mean, how many times have I looked at some sad, single sap and thought, “Well, THAT’S why he’s single!” or “If she’d just (fill in the blank) she’d have a man in no time! “Maybe there’s something about me that my girls can’t see. After all, they’ve never gone on a date with me. They’ve never awkwardly waited for a goodnight kiss, or attempted to hold my hand attached to my orangutan arm. (Seriously, my arms are really long.)

What if the reason I’m single…is ME?
My insecurity points its finger at my muffin top, badaboombadonk, and saddlebags as I dig through the trash bag of my past, and dig out old receipts, IOUs and junk male(s).

709ah_Chubby_Cheeks_Cake_Topper

Sure, I could lose a few (read: lotsa) pounds, but chubby folks get married every day. In fact, right now, two chubby people are looking over their rotund cheeks, saying their ‘I love yous’ and tying the knot.

It can’t just be about my wiggles and jiggles.

And I know our past plays into the whole equation, but I hate math and wholeheartedly believe in therapy and redemption. I certainly don’t need an inkblot test to tell me I have trust issues because of my dad and father figure stand-ins. And I’ve certainly dipped my toe in the shallow end of the dating pool, and made my fair share of poor suitor choices. All of which is why I’m the quickest heart bricklayer in the South. But, in my defense, I’ve had some doozies!

I once had a guy…

  • …tell me he wished my personality was inside another woman’s body.
    (He already had the other body picked out.)
  • …tell me he’d turn his life upside down for me.
    (But then his wife had a baby.)
  • …break up with me over email because he was older and knew I wanted children.
    (Apparently, his math skills were a bit rusty when we started dating.)
  • …invite me to join him on his all expense paid work trip to another state.
    (His wife had to work.)
  • …tell me that kissing was way too intimate.
    (Turns out, foreplay wasn’t!)
  • …ghost me for 6 months because I suggested we see each other more than 6 days a month.
    (This was after he asked me not to break up with him.)
  • …write me a letter after I broke up with him to tell me…nay, to “prophesy” over me that I’d NEVER marry if I didn’t choose him. (Post-breakup prophesies are the worst!)

I haven’t only dated jerky boys, but some of that ick really affected me, and it sometimes still follows me around like my stalker of 2002 when I decide to take a chance on love.

So, I did something brave.

I asked one of my best friends for his honest to goshness response to one simple (read: loaded) question…

What do you think are the top 5 reasons I’m single?”

Then I waited. And by waited, I mean, obsessively checked my email and texts every 3.6 minutes. Then, the email finally came in and my heart pounded as I opened it, and I began to read his words with one eye closed and scrunched up face in tortured anticipation of the awfulness I was about to discover.

And what I read…shocked me.

Tune in tomorrow to read, Why I’m Single: Part 2 and find out what juicy bits my friend told me…about me. (insert dramatic cliffhanger music here.)

please-stand-by

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2 Comments

  1. You are AWESOME times INFINITY!!! WHAT??? You know I love you so that means you are very lovable too!!! There is a tall, dark haired, happy, handsome, swaggitude, dudes’ dude, out doors likin, Twilight lovin’, huggable, bearded, cycle – lovin’, church attender…who has or loves dogs…and he’s just around the corner looking for YOU!!! Watch out bearded man….she’s gonna hit you with her best shot!!! EMANDA SAYS!!!

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